77: LDS Missionary Experiences, Part 1

Irreligiosophy Take a trip down missionary lane with everyone’s favorite ex-LDS brothers, Mike and Chris. Learn all about LDS indoctrination, patriarchal blessings, priesthood ordination, the Missionary Training Center, and early field experiences of a typical LDS missionary. And that’s just part one.

Huge kudos to Mike, who’s slaved away for the past week or so paring down the audio from some 5 or 6 hours of discussion into two 90 minute episodes because I was far too lazy to do it myself.

Check it out, along with an extended Skunk Dick segment, since, hey, we were running long anyway. Might as well bloat the thing out more.

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32 Responses to “77: LDS Missionary Experiences, Part 1”

  1. Queen of Hearts August 24, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Holy Shit, Dr Laura is a fucking Moron

  2. So when are you doing an episode on Prop H8 then? C’mon guys, you promised.

  3. I had no idea the former Mormon brothers were gay let alone getting married. Still this prop 8 episode contained a more coherent, informative discussion of the topic than the Hinduism podcast.

  4. You guys make one of your guests edit the podcast for you like a common Thai child? How rude.

  5. You can bash us band geeks all you want, but don’t DARE to diss DCI drum corps. Those guys might as well be a branch of the military, considering the amount of physical effort and precision they put into it.

  6. Dr. Scott, D.Irr August 25, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I waaaant to be a missionaryyyyy…

  7. I served a stateside mission and there are some specific differences in this type of mission. First of all, there is the intense initial disappointment of opening that f*cking letter and seeing you are serving in AZ when you grew up in SoCal. Then you have to deal with all the looks on other people’s faces when you have to, over and over, tell them about your lame ass calling and they feel this awkward need to console you but make it sound like it’s still cool for reasons like, “Hey, at least you’ll get your mail on time,” or “Well, you should be well fed by the members.” As if that’s what you are looking for in a f*cking mission. I could stay in college and have all those goddamn conveniences!

    Also, maybe you will hit on it in part 2 but these guys haven’t talked about how political missions are. You are supposed to not aspire to climb the “spiritual” ladder but you know a certain amount of pride comes from it and your parents want to tell everyone in the ward, “Guess what, my son is a zone leader already! We’re so proud of him!” So, you get the regular corporate ass kissing, fudging numbers to look good, baptizing anything that walks, especially scouring the ward for unbaptized 9 year olds which count, etc.

    And lastly, about serving stateside (besides all the hot chicks you can’t touch at ASU), is that you are not dealing with uneducated third world people. You are now dealing with people that do know their shit and want to bash you all the time. Plus, when Americans say, “F*ck you” or “Satan loves you” or whatever, it stung a little more coming from other Americans than some third world, poverty stricken, uneducated South American.

  8. Oh, and just one more thing. The worst part of serving a mission was the constant guilt I felt. They stress obedience, obedience, obedience but then give you a f*cking shit load of rules so long, nobody could possibly live up to this perfect obedience. So, if you weren’t feeling guilty about breaking this rule or that, you were feeling guilty about not working every minute set aside for proselyting. I really wanted to be a force for good in the world, but let’s face it, nobody wanted to talk to us. I hated every morning, looking at another empty schedule, and going out the door wondering, “What the f*ck and I supposed to do now. But if I don’t do something missionary-like, bring on the guilt…” I longed, even then, to have been in Africa building wells for poverty stricken people. That would have been more useful.

  9. (was) somewhere in greece August 25, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Hugs and beers to the Mormon brothers please. This is only part one and it’s already horribly painful.

    i will take pity on any poor boys who come to my door and give them food.

  10. Speaking as an outsider to the LDS church (I was raised in an evangelical fundie tard church), the missionary experience stories sound a bit on the, well, gay side. I’m not using that in a bad way or knocking anyone; I’m just saying that being made to pair up with some other younger guy (constantly traveling with him, living with him, eating with him, shiting with him, sleeping in the same place as him, etc.) for an extended period of time just seems like it’s asking for trouble. Add in the fact that the church tells those guys they’re not allowed clean their own pipes by beating off and I’d think you’ve got a recipe for some gay hijinks… The irony…

    Of course, I kid. :D

  11. Looks like these poor suckers are brain washed from the womb, then put through torture even the military wouldn’t approve, and then asked to do the impossible.
    I’m curious though, Dr. Laura’s so proud of her bodyguard, how close Are they? Just asking questions.

  12. Awww! I love it when the Mormon brothers are on. But now, I feel bad for missionaries. Guess when I see them I’ll give them a sandwich or something. Great episode as always!

    Thanks for the shout-out! I missed you guys too.

  13. I really liked this episode. I’m from argentina so I liked ask the references. Sounds like the brothers were somewhere really nasty tough. Do you guys remember where you were exactly? Me and my brother both live in Recoleta is really nice, although there is a mormon church right in front of where my brother is.

    Leighton, your ignorance never ceases to amaze. “don’t you want to eat cows?”. Argentina is the beef capital of the world. I have a barbecue every sunday, but not the crappy sausage and hamburgers on gas cooked up on a barrel crap.

    I have one really important question for the brothers, which chuck and leighton forgot to ask:

    Con las mujeres que hay en este país como hicieron para mantener su celibato?

  14. I have heard about the mission from my 4 brothers that went. I am so happy i never went on one. They sound like a horrible experience. Of course you only hear that from people who have left the church, the brainwashed fools still in the church claim “it was the best two years of my life”. LAME!!!

  15. @ Chloe: Awww, we love you too!

    @ Ed: Michael was in Buenos Aires and I was in Uruguay splitting my time between Montevideo and some little towns very far removed from civilization. As far the important question: Es mas facil resistir cuando las chicas no tienen dientes. I can’t speak for my bro, though.

    I’m glad you guys liked the podcast. At least the suffering was good for something, entertaining all of you! The second one has even more good stuff, so stay tuned!

  16. Did y’all ask about the Ether Fairy?

  17. (was) somewhere in greece August 26, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    …Ed and Chris, I laughed so hard I almost coughed my lung out.

  18. Skunkdick of the century nomination – http://www.thecanadiancharger.com/page.php?id=5&a=535

    you guys are really creepy with these mormon stuff. When they started coming in my country after the iron curtain fell they were perceived as members of suicide cult. I remember two of these assholes knocking on my door and my mother cursing them out. They had pretty startled faces these chaps.

  19. pingüino maricón August 26, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Ed y Chris,

    Fui misionero mormón en BBAA en los años 90. Me fue muy difícil eso del celibato – ¡Qué minas más hermosas! Nuestro jefe nos dijo que si no la miramos una vez a una chica, no somos hombres (heterosexist) pero si la miramos dos veces, no somos misioneros…

  20. Fuck! I knew I should have paid attention in the latin classes, I can’t read this thread……

  21. Latin? WTF?

    Anyway, spanish has taken over this thread. It’s over you capitalist pigs!

    Chris…. no me quiero ni imaginar…

    Pingüino maricon, tu jefe no era ningun boludo!

  22. Moggie Magfeline August 26, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    The only Spanish word I know is “cerveza”. Great episode you 4 guys….but frankly, a mission sounds like hell on Earth. I guess if I didn’t laugh I’d cry.

  23. pingüino maricón August 27, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Moggie, it just so happens that ‘cerveza’ is the most important word in Spanish, so you’re off to a good start. We’re kind of surrounded by Spanish here in the western US, which I think is great. Some Mexican Americans jokingly call it ‘la reconquista de Aztlan’ – this all used to be part of Mexico and now they are taking it back. Basically immigrants from Mexico just come up here and become capitalist pigs like the rest of us.

    This is boring and has nothing to do with the podcast. But, as you know, every month is Fuck You Hosts month. I’m just trying to do my part.

  24. Chris and Mike you guys are awesome. But you ruin the pattern of smart/funny, dumb/very funny. One of you is gonna have to dumb it down a notch or two (probably further if you wanna get to Leighton’s level

  25. Moggie Magfeline August 29, 2010 at 1:22 am

    If I understood correctly, us ladies also have the wonderful opportunity to go on a mission. Does anyone know the dress/grooming codes for female missionaries? And, is there a ban in buying cucumbers?

  26. Well, just thought I’d share. We celebrated my gf’s birthday yesterday with a meaty sacrifice:

    http://img820.imageshack.us/img820/272/p1030137.jpg
    http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/8397/p1030134.jpg
    http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/677/p1030135s.jpg

    That’s me doing the “asado”. I had some potatoes and onions roasting on the coals as well.

  27. (was) somewhere in greece August 30, 2010 at 2:02 am

    great, now I’m hungry

  28. Great ep with these guys. Well do you ever do a non-great ep? I usually prefer the non guest podcasts as its like adding a fifth Beatle. But these guys really held their own! Can’t wait to hear part ii.

  29. pingüino maricón August 30, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Females can go on an LDS mission at age 21. Males go for 2 years and females go for 1.5 years. The sister missionaries usually wear blouses and long skirts. They are typically more successful in converting people than their male counterparts. I’m sure cucumbers and other makeshift solutions are allowed, but didoes and vibrators – probably not…

  30. Tacos in Argentina!? Right. Argentina is just like Mexico isn’t it?

    Leighton, you are such a fucking idiot it’s amazing.

    I keep tuning back in to see if you can outdo yourself and i am never disappointed.

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