[ann]Catholicism is the gift that keeps on giving. Recently a little booklet was published entitled, “Prayer Book for Spouses,” that encourages couples to pray before intercourse, in an apparent attempt to suck out any pleasure the couple might be contemplating having together. This is Catholic birth control at its finest.
In contrast, we offer the Irreligiosophy pre-coital prayer, helpfully broken down into male and female versions. As an added bonus to those of you who actually visit our website, we provide the following prayer for the single male, prior to masturbating:
Dear Lord of Hosts, King of Kings, Most Gracious, Ever-Present Universal Peeping Tom,
Please strengthen my right biceps, triceps, forearm, and wrist, that my stamina faileth not, and I endureth to the end. Oh Lord, consecrate my hand lotion, so that it reduceth friction and chafeth not my divining rod. Father, guide my aim, that the man juice speweth true, and strike not the carpet nor mine porn collection but landeth upon the more easily cleaned tile or linoleum. Finally, Jesus, unstiffeneth my sock, that it may once more absorbeth the fruit of my loins and unstickify mine hand and fingers.
And when it be finished, please, bless my rectal rooter that it be ready when called forth for future battle. Amen.
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3 Responses to “ANN 27: Catholic Sex Prayers”
I just found your podcast and I must applaud you guys! I am being forced to travel to Atlanta next, for work, week and I will be taking all your back episodes with me.
While I am relatively young, I don’t normally walk and making aural love to my ipod like the damn kids these days, but you had me so enthralled that I continued listening to my ipod while grocery shopping yesterday.
While I am secular/agnostic (I subscribe to Clarke’s Third Law)I like to borrow concepts from Islam (modesty) and Buddhism (meditation for the sake of sanity)so I’d like to hear more about those faiths from your podcast. I’d also like to see some dissections of Jews, the Catholic occult, Methodists, Baptists (especially the serpent handlers), Neo Druids, Mennonites, the Amish and anybody else you can think of, since I’m not sure which ones I should be the most worried about being out to get me (probably the Methodists).
My only criticism is that sometimes you guys ramble. I think the topics you choose are really interesting so perhaps an outline wouldn’t hurt?
Finally I have a message for your detractors: their humor might be a bit sophomoric but we could all use a little humor and common sense as people are wantonly killing in the name of their god.
Ok, I’m a bit tired and there are a lot of typos but I think you can figure out what I meant.
Thanks for the comments, Gidds. But remember, Leighton’s the one who rambles. Everything I say is quite interesting.