[ann]Catholicism is the gift that keeps on giving. Recently a little booklet was published entitled, “Prayer Book for Spouses,” that encourages couples to pray before intercourse, in an apparent attempt to suck out any pleasure the couple might be contemplating having together. This is Catholic birth control at its finest.
In contrast, we offer the Irreligiosophy pre-coital prayer, helpfully broken down into male and female versions. As an added bonus to those of you who actually visit our website, we provide the following prayer for the single male, prior to masturbating:
Dear Lord of Hosts, King of Kings, Most Gracious, Ever-Present Universal Peeping Tom,
Please strengthen my right biceps, triceps, forearm, and wrist, that my stamina faileth not, and I endureth to the end. Oh Lord, consecrate my hand lotion, so that it reduceth friction and chafeth not my divining rod. Father, guide my aim, that the man juice speweth true, and strike not the carpet nor mine porn collection but landeth upon the more easily cleaned tile or linoleum. Finally, Jesus, unstiffeneth my sock, that it may once more absorbeth the fruit of my loins and unstickify mine hand and fingers.
And when it be finished, please, bless my rectal rooter that it be ready when called forth for future battle. Amen.
Give a listen right here.
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